A Pearl of Wisdom

I spend a lot of time talking with my friends about any and everything. One topic that always seems to come up is my inability to get women and get laid. If you don't like getting laid or maintaining a relationship with a girl I have some good advice for you.

I'm not saying I want a different girl every weekend, I don't. I'm not good at faking interest in a girl either for the sake of getting laid. That always turns into me mocking her incessantly. Funny for me and my friends, not for her. This often turns into a Bad Life Decision (aka BLD).

One of the first steps to successfully making a BLD is to get as drunk as you physically can. This is easier said than done. It takes real dedication and often deep pockets to pull this trick off. A surefire way to do this without breaking the bank is buying the cheapest liquor you can.

I prefer prestige rum. At $10 a half-gallon it's hard to complain even when you feel like death in the morning. Another way to tell if the liquor is cheap is if the bottle is made of plastic.

What's vital with the cheap liquor is it's very cost-efficient to drink. Even if you get really sick and puke you're not wasting a lot of money on expensive booze.

Another important aspect to the heavy consumption of cheap booze is (if you're like me) it disables any sense of judgment you might have. When you look like I do in the picture you're ready for the next step of going home by yourself.

It is extremely vital you lack the ability to make a sound decision, even if your life depended on it. At this point pretty much any girl (or guy for the ladies and gay men out there) will look good to you.

Another crucial part of being this drunk is you're uninhibited and lack any sort of real filter. If you can control what you're going to say, you better hit the bottle harder and faster.

My expertise comes in this next part: being extremely offensive. This is where I've made a name for myself amongst my friends and earned the BLD title "Chief of Insults." It takes a real lack of moral decency and kindness towards others to stand out in the BLD group and become the Chief of Insults (in the above pic I'm standing next to the infamous Dave aka the BLD Head of Sales, Coporate Division. Which is a dumb and not funny title. He should be the head of lasagna making).

One of the most efficient and time-tested methods for being offensive is calling the other person stupid. It never fails to insult someone's intelligence especially when both parties have been drinking. If that doesn't work try and find specific things about them that are stupid and point them out to large groups of people.

If you're really daring you could even offend the person for being a certain type of person, such as a girl being dumb for being a girl.

For the record I'm not a sexist. I'm all for women's rights and believe there is nothing better in this world than a strong, independent woman. I come from a family of extremely strong women who love nothing more than to put me in my place every time I open my mouth. They've gotten very, very good at it despite my best efforts.

If your morals begin to act up (it happens to me from time to time) and you realize what you're doing you have two options: 1. Begin mocking yourself and make yourself look like an ass in a playful charming way (this can work but it's not a guarantee) or 2. Go for broke and mock the living hell out of this person.

Going for broke will almost guarantee you getting yelled at and told what an asshole you are. A couple of your friends might find your antics to be amusing given they're not on the receiving end of your insults. Other people will not.

A true BLD takes dedication. A strong committment to doing something that will be a stupid decision. Many try, few succeed. When in doubt call someone ugly or stupid.

p.s. I have no idea who the girl in the picture is. I know nothing happened beyond that picture but if something did that would've been another example of a BLD.